Bitterness, Anger, Resentment. These are the most damaging emotions we can take with us after being hurt. The B.A.R. is a very negative place to be.

Many things don’t turn out the way we would like. Relationships end, and we have all been treated badly at one time or another. This is true not only in affairs of the heart but also with relatives, friends, children, siblings, coworkers, etc. There are skills you can learn that will help you avoid bitterness, anger and resentment.

Mindfulness: When we practice mindfulness, we learn to feel those ugly emotions, examine them, then let go of them. We don’t keep ruminating over them. Some of the most important skills you can use come from mindfulness.

Almost nothing is about you: One of the best ways to avoid the B.A.R. is to remember that almost nothing is about you. The decisions people make are their decisions. The consequences may affect you, however, you cannot control what someone else does.

Whatever you put your attention on expands: Sometimes, you may not be able to avoid the B.A.R. The pull may prove irresistible. Stay for a minute but quickly move on so those negative feelings don’t get bigger.

Let them know and let it go: Be sure to have that conversation with the person that has hurt you. Then you have done your part and the rest is up to them.

You are in control of you: Remember that how YOU deal with these issues will mostly affect you, and you are in control of yourself.

 

Karen Kindred Karen Kindred has over forty years of experience in individual and couples therapy. Karen is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. Her approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. Karen recently retired and wants to share her therapeutic tools with as many people as possible. Karen holds a masters degree in social work and a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Utah.