In times of crisis, whether that’s a death of a loved one or recent cancer diagnosis, navigating the delicate balance between offering support and respecting boundaries is crucial. In Episode 1 of the Spry podcast we talked about our friends, whose daughter was recently diagnosed with leukemia, and the impressive way that their close friends and family surrounded them, orchestrated communications, and organized practical ways that we could all help. We wanted to share these ideas, and the love, with all of you!

If you’re the one in crisis (or caring for them)

1. Pick one communicator. Tell one trusted person or group what’s happening and let them keep everyone else updated. Summarizing the same news over and over is exhausting.
2. Make one place for information. A dedicated Instagram account or similar. People who want updates can follow along and you stop repeating yourself every time someone texts for an update.
3. Share on your own timeline (but don’t be vague.) Close people first, privately. Publicly when you’re ready, if you want to. When you do share, say what’s happening, what you need, and how people can help. Cryptic posts just make people guess.
4. Make money easy to send. Venmo works (low fees, easy for small or frequent gifts). Set it up before you announce.
5. Create a care calendar. GiveInKind (free) schedules meals, rides, groceries, housekeeping, pet care. It also keeps you from getting six lasagnas in one week.
   • If a platform isn’t your thing, a simple sign-up sheet works. Use Google Sheets, a shared note, whatever people will actually use. Support doesn’t have to be home-cooked: restaurant delivery and grocery gift cards count. The point of coordinating at all is so you have a schedule keeps you from getting six lasagnas in one week and nothing the week after.
6. Assign tasks. When someone offers, give them a job. That can be groceries, garbage cans, school pickup. Don’t feel bad about it. They asked!
7. State your limits. Too much pizza, no visitors right now, no drop-ins. You’re entitled to your feelings so whatever it is, say it directly.

If you’re the friend

1. 1. Don’t ask “how can I help?” The offer is well intentioned, but it puts the work back oo someone already carrying too much. Now they have to figure out what you’re able to do, decide what to ask for, and follow up. Be specific instead. Name what you can offer: childcare Tuesday afternoons, rides to appointments, a listening ear, prepping kids’ school lunches. Being more specific takes the burden off them and makes it far more likely you’re meeting an actual need instead of a guessed one. Or skip the offer entirely and just act: send money, drop off a meal, take the garbage cans to the curb, show up with your rubber gloves and clean a toilet.
2. “Thinking of you, no need to respond” is a complete text.
3. Respect the rules they’ve set. No unannounced visits, don’t come sick, ask before adding to the pile of toys.